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Labels: Jokes
ATM
A sign in the Bank Lobby reads: "Please note that this Bank is installing new Drive-through teller machines enabling customers to withdraw cash without leaving their vehicles. Customers using this new facility are requested to use the procedures outlined below when accessing their accounts After months of careful research, MALE & FEMALE procedures have been developed. Please follow the appropriate steps for your gender."
MALE PROCEDURE :
01. Drive up to the cash machine.
02. Put down your car window.
03. Insert card into machine and enter PIN.
04 Enter amount of cash required and withdraw.
05. Retrieve card, cash and receipt.
06. Put window up.
07. Drive off.
FEMALE PROCEDURE :
01. Drive up to cash machine.
02. Reverse and back up the required amount to align car window with the machine.
03. Set parking brake, put the window down.
04. Find handbag, remove all contents on to passenger seat to locate card.
05. Tell person on cell phone you will call them back and hang up
06. Attempt to insert card into machine.
07. Open car door to allow easier access to machine due to its excessive distance from the car.
08. Insert card.
09. Re-insert card the right way.
10. Dig through handbag to find diary with your PIN written on the inside back page.
11. Enter PIN.
12. Press cancel and r e -enter correct PIN.
13. Enter amount of cash required.
14. Take a quick peeky at yourself in rear view mirror.
15. Retrieve cash and receipt
16. Empty handbag again to locate wallet and place cash inside.
17. Write debit amount in check register and place receipt in back of checkbook.
18. Re-check makeup.
19. Drive forward 2 feet.
20. Reverse back to cash machine.
21. Retrieve card.
22. Re-empty hand bag, locate card holder, and place card into the slot provided.
23. Give dirty look to irate male driver waiting behind you
24. Restart stalled engine and pull off.
25. Redial person on cell phone.
26. Drive for 2 to 3 miles.
27. Release Parking Brake.
Labels: Jokes
Prescription
A lady walks into the drug store and asks the druggist for some arsenic.
The druggist ask's "Ma'am, what do you want with arsenic?".The lady say's
"To kill my husband."
I can't sell you any for that reason" says the druggist. The lady then reaches into her purse and pulls out a photo of a man and a women in a compromising position, the man is her husband and the lady is the druggist's wife, and shows it to the druggist.
He looks at the photo and says . . .. . . " Oh I didn't know you had a prescription!"
Labels: Jokes
A dog named Sex
"Rover" or "Spot". I call mine Sex. Now, Sex has been
very embarrassing to me. When I went to the City Hall
to renew the dog's license, I told the clerk that I
would like a license for Sex. He said, "I would like
to have one too!" Then I said, "But she is a dog!" He
said he didn't care what she looked like. I said, "You
don't understand. ... I have had Sex since I was nine
years old." He replied, "You must have been quite a
strong boy." When I decided to get married, I told the
minister that I would like to have Sex at the wedding.
He told me to wait until after the wedding was over. I
said, "But Sex has played a big part in my life and my
whole world revolves around Sex." He said he didn't
want to hear about my personal life and would not
marry us in his church. I told him everyone would
enjoy having Sex at the wedding. The next day we were
married at the Justice of the Peace. My family is
barred from the church from then on.
When my wife and I went on our honeymoon, I took the
dog with me. When we checked into the motel, I told
the clerk that I wanted a room for me and my wife and
a special room for Sex. He said that every room in the
motel is a place for sex. I said, "You don't
understand. ... Sex keeps me awake at night." The
clerk said, "Me too!"
One day I entered Sex in a contest. But before the
competition began, the dog ran away. Another
contestant asked me why I was just looking around. I
told him that I was going to have Sex in the contest.
He said that I should have sold my own tickets. "You
don't understand," I said, "I hoped to have Sex on
TV." He called me a show off.
When my wife and I separated, we went to court to
fight for custody of the dog. I said, "Your Honor, I
had Sex before I was married but Sex left me after I
was married." The Judge said, "Me too!"
Last night Sex ran off again. I spent hours looking
all over for her. A cop came over and asked me what I
was doing in the alley at 4 o'clock in the morning. I
said, "I'm looking for Sex." -- My case comes up next
Thursday.
Well now I've been thrown in jail, been divorced and
had more damn troubles with that dog than I ever
foresaw. Why just the other day when I went for my
first session with the psychiatrist, she asked me,
"What seems to be the trouble?" I replied, "Sex has
been my best friend all my life but now it has left me
for ever. I couldn't live any longer so lonely." and
the doctor said, "Look mister, you should understand
that sex isn't a man's best friend
so get yourself a dog."
Labels: Jokes
Tombstone
on impact.
Labels: Jokes
Emergency Response Time
Three paramedics were boasting about improvements in their respective ambulance team's response times.
"Since we installed our new satellite navigation system," bragged
the first one, "we cut our emergency response time by ten percent."
The other paramedics nodded in approval. "Not bad," the second
paramedic commented. "But by using a computer model of traffic
patterns, we've cut our average ERT by 20 percent."
Again, the other team members gave their congratulations, until
the third paramedic said, "That's nothing! Since our ambulance
driver passed the bar exam, we've cut our emergency response time in half!"
Labels: Jokes
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